Sputnik Sweetheart

 I actually forgot about this for a really long time. There's a lot that has changed and probably a lot that hasn't since I last wrote here.

I started this blog ages ago because I saw someone else from school share theirs and at the time I thought it was so cool because they were willing to share the most vulnerable intimate thoughts with the world and so I did the same. I never shared it with friends or family and I've archived some of my posts but when I'm feeling lost and my thoughts are wandering - this little blog flickers in the back of my mind. Most of the times I'll forget but in a way it's my life diary so here we are.

Time for a recap. 2025 started with the never-fleeting thought that my best friend and I were travelling to Central America and America. This was planned for May, I had moved out and been just as stressed but it was nice because I had thrown myself into exercise. I knew that I wanted to do something different and new career wise and I had been seeing A.  

I should divulge into A since I saw him for 8 months and it's the first boy in my life where I ended things. He was also the first boy who I felt so emotionally regulated with and made me truly truly believe that I could thrive in a relationship. Although, we never had a "what are we" conversation I know how that would have gone and in June that ended. The half year mark, I still miss him but I know it was for the best. And then there was C. 

C was electrifying. C also broke my heart - at least that how it feels like it. It felt like signing up for a rollercoaster knowing at the end it's going to make you sick but oh was it a thrill. I knew he was moving, I knew he was emotionally unavailable, I knew he wanted nothing serious - everything screamed that this was so wrong but I was already transfixed like a moth to a flame. The chemistry I felt was undeniable. I don't think I've yearned for someone in so long. For the first time in a long time - I wanted someone so bad and so I went head in and admittedly - it fucking hurts but it also reminded me that I have the ability to feel things so deeply (and that action have consequences lol). 

It's why people gravitate to healthy and loving relationships. In order to avoid pain and being hurt and I know I deserve proper love I just need to stop running away from it. I know that once I process this all and time heals, C will remain a friend, at least I hope so since he is a pretty cool dude.

A little photo dump for now below of NY:

Patong Beach with Hayley, Annika and Kim

Elephant Sanctuary with Sadie

The feral trio - Bella and Sadie

Maya Bay

Maya Bay - Alexis, Cole, Johnny and Brad

Pres

Big big love

Stunning views on a cruise

New friends from Mumbai

Chris and Bella

 When I was eighteen, I remember I would specifically take photos horizontally because I wanted to post it on my blog. For the longest time, my blog was a secret, that I took great pride in. It was somewhere I could write without being judged or worry about peering eyes and it was somewhere where I felt like I was part of a community. To this day, I'm not sure how many continue to write or have kept their inner thoughts public but I do wish I had connected to more people as it was and is a part of my life. With that being said, I feel as though it is easier to be authentic and to write without judgement and that not every aspect of my life has to be shared.   

I love to document things, always have and probably always will. and so here is an update, my first blog post halfway through the year. 4 days 24 years old and 3 days back from Japan - feels like a fever dream. I never realised how much I missed it. On the plane ride home it felt like my soul ached and it made me think that something is telling me this is where I need to be because I haven't felt this happy and this present in such a long time. 

Although I love home. I love my job, the comfort I have, my boyfriend, my friends and everything that is familiar why is it that I feel such a strong pull towards going back. Maybe I'll muster enough courage one day.

I like to think in a parallel universe there is a version of me, right now in a new bar in Shibuya, somewhere underground, meeting a new friend and trying a new cocktail. 

I hope everyone is doing well and do you believe in parallel universes?