DIARY

21/3/17
How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.


A scattered mind fails to grasp what is important. Meaning a lost boy will find more beauty in the vivid red silent red roses rather than the scarred girl who would take a bullet for him. However the roses won't give him the warmth he desires yet he aimlessly wanders further and further into the maze whilst the stems continue to scar his small legs until they are crisscrossed with blood.

Fingertips press quickly and harshly to form a distinctly blank page.

6/5/17 
Confusion is like a disease. It's cruel and it hurts. In all honesty it feels like I'm slowly sinking, wasting away with nothing but sadness coursing through my veins.

When the city is sleeping I walk through the bitter quiet streets with him, sometimes I skip from tile to tile just like a small child and I feel ecstatic but sometimes it's like I'm a ghost. Little does anyone know that I'm trying to pick myself up piece up by piece. This girl is afraid of the world and hides behind her striking red lipstick and sweet smile. The lipstick stains her ring finger yet she doesn't wash it off.

It's 11pm. His phone lights up and a small earthy laugh escapes him, his body slightly vibrating the chair. His fingers quickly tap away, somewhere a girl lays in bed with a smile on her face and for hours they talk about anything and everything. I wonder is she the last thing that crosses his mind before he falls asleep? I guess once that girl was me...

Rejection. I think I finally got a taste of my own medicine. It fucking hurts.  It's a slow suffocating pain but I'm happy that he's found a movie kind of love. I hope one day I find that as well.

 I discovered the song High hopes by Kodaline in Year 8 and listening to it still gives me the same depressed feeling.

24/6/17
I''m scared I'm going to forget him. I'm afraid I'll forget his smile and his voice, his hands and his lips. He's leaving and he's going to be a stranger again. It'll be impossible to see him or hear him.
We bonded over trivial things like black jeans, and pouring rain, secretly driving me insane because I wanted to be with him. Not close but always fingertips away or if he wasn't I would simply have to wait for sunny Sundays and long breaks to be together.  He has a kind smile, the genuine type. His eyes crease and become smaller and I love that although I'de never admit it. Lightly teasing, lightly hitting and light chatter hide the inconceivable sadness that seeps deep into my bones. I want to scream at him 가지마. but I don't and just like that he'll disappear.
But he won't truly ever because precious memories are embedded crystal clear into this messy head. But if I do forget I'll just read this again and hopefully I'll remember.

29/6/17
Some time's it feels like I'm all alone. And I am. I'm all alone and there are tears streaming down my face. My fingers are like ice and my soul is frozen, my mind is black and my heart even blacker.

Fate likes playing cruel tricks where people are like puppets. It's fun to cut the strings, then sew them together with cheap glue & fickle knots until you are dancing on a thin thread. Cloaked under deceit, yet the thread never breaks and you continue to dance endlessly, in pain, with a smile on your face and a rose in your hand. A rose that you clench ever so tightly while blood drips slowly feverishly down your fingertips never quite reaching the floor. You hate that fucking rose but it's what people admire and heed at so in your clutch it remains firmly. You're a broken mess but you have the rose and so you grin like a chesire cat glowing from the admiration and allure but in the end all you are is a teller of lies with a bleeding hand and broken hand yet everyone's buying them.

3/7/17
Time passes by so quick and in a medley of tears and dropping of coins new buds have begun to form a canopy of feverishly fresh green grass. Winter for me is symbolic of change and even in the midst of people who huddle to their sweaters and mugs of steaming coffee I feel like time is passing me by. I want to grasp on to something that makes me feel like I'm truly alive. Past the cheap wine and computer screens.

2/9/17
Suicide doesn't end the pain it just passes it on to someone else.

12/9/17
He's fallen in love with another girl. I can feel it, even without words and it feels like my heart has been shredded. Truthfully he's not mine, he never was and never will be yet I'm like a small naive child holding onto a balloon that's long lost it shape and deflated to a sorrowful mess. She consumes his head now, with the alcohol seeping through his blood making him feel all warm and fuzzy. Walking through the summer haze to where she waits.
And yet here I stand like a fool, waiting and waiting for a message he sends without a thought. An empty dark room is illuminated by a single notification and she feels butterflies and smiles for a boy she knows doesn't care. A joker. A fool. A girl in love.     They're all the same/

20/9/17
I'm sitting on my bed and a nostalgic lonely tune is playing. The covers are keeping me warm and the only thing I can think about recently is how much I miss you. I never realised how much loving you would hurt. The most precious thing to me has become the furtherest. More time by your side was what I wanted, nothing more and these sleepless nights are consumed with the thought of you. You're so far away from me. Goodbye. Thank you for making me smile over the smallest things.

31/1/17
There's a box, it small and it looks like nothing simple. It's made from wood and it fits snugly in the palm of your hand, you carry it in the pocket of your jeans that you've worn every day. Inside there's bandages, syringes, chocolate, cheap wine, memories and various hearts and a whole collection of nothings that can mend you. Are you broken?

or is this who you are?
Just skin and bones.

23/2/18
I was never enough for them
Or for you.

I will give you my heart. It's yours to take.
Because you wanted me. No one else. For nothing else.
And so I let myself fall and I thought you would catch me.

But you didn't want me.
And you don't want me.

12/5/18
It's nearly been half a year which is impossible to wrap my head around.Looking back I feel like I've wasted a lot of time, at first I was fine with it but recently I feel like my life is just passing by. The problem is I used to feel sad all the time and I wanted to stay in my covers yet recently I've been feeling angry and disappointed because of my friends.
It's not my fault that they bail on me but it's my fault for letting it get me down...
I'm trying to be okay with being angry, not to their face but if I want to be angry I think I deserve to be instead of putting on a mask.
A lot of times I feel like a child and I want to know when I'll change, I think I need to learn how to accept the feelings and deal with them instead of letting myself feel numb. I desperately want a best friend I can confide anything and everything to but I feel like I don't have anyone that I can be real with. three more months and I'm going to be on a flight to a completely different country.

1/6/18
It's been half a year... what?
It's crazy to think that I'm only eighteen for eight more days and I'll be leaving the country in a little less than three months. Time is a concept that I've never been good at, dealing with it has caused a lot of issues. There has been days that feel like it spans out forever, not 24 hours but 46 or something.

I feel like nothing has changed since last year, sometimes I even get confused and think it's 2017.

There's a big issue I'v been thinking about and it's do I need to change. The truth is I am completely an adult now - there are so many people my age who are in relationships, have good jobs are working towards their future but I'm stuck in this limbo. I've created a facade that I know where I'm going but to actually move on I need to change, I need to get better.

I can't get out of bed not because I'm lazy but because I'm sad.
I push people away and then feel alone.
I don't put in effort anymore.
I'm constantly scared and anxious? Of who? Of what? Of this whole fucking world.

But I know that this isn't me.
The me who loves her friends. Who loves the outdoors. Who loves animals. Who was sad because her crush was moving to america not for being born.

I need to become better so I can appreciate and support the people I'm going to meet in this life. Everyday we meet someone new and every month or so we say goodbye. These people who know everything about you now might not in a few years. Right now it feels like I have all the time in the world but I don't.

I need to get better because at the end of the day, it's my life. So I'm going to try.

12/6/18
It's almost like my heart physically hurts but it doesn't quite and it's a numb type of pain where you want to cry but you just can't seem to.

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